⚖️ Lawyer Jokes
The one profession it has always been legal to insult. Objection overruled.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. NEW!
- What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. NEW!
- Why don't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
- How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
- What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
- Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? People couldn't tell which side to spit on.
- What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
- What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
- How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
- A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked, 'How much do you charge?' The lawyer said, 'Fifty dollars for three questions.' 'Isn't that awfully steep?' 'Yes. Now what's your third question?'
- Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? There are some things even a vulture won't stomach.
- What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 80? Your Honor.
- What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer.
- Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet down instead of six? Because deep down, lawyers are really good people.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger. The other is a fish.
- A lawyer's dog stole a roast from the butcher. The butcher asked the lawyer, 'If a dog steals meat from my shop, can I collect from the dog's owner?' 'Absolutely,' said the lawyer. 'That'll be $8.50 then — it was your dog.' The lawyer paid without a word. Three days later, the butcher got a bill in the mail: 'Legal consultation: $150.'
- How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
- What's the ideal weight for a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
- Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
- Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got first pick.
- How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
- Why don't lawyers go to the beach? The cats keep trying to bury them.
- What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
- What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer? One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
- A doctor complained to a lawyer at a party: 'People keep asking me for free medical advice. What do you do about that?' 'Simple,' said the lawyer. 'Give the advice, then send them a bill.' The doctor tried it. The next morning, he got a bill from the lawyer.
- Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street when they spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who picks it up? The old drunk — the other three are mythical creatures.
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