📜 The Long Ones
Story jokes for the patient. Pull up a chair, these take a minute.
- A guy sees a sign: 'TALKING DOG FOR SALE — $10.' He goes in back and asks the dog, 'You talk?' 'Yep,' says the dog. 'I discovered the gift young. I worked for the CIA eavesdropping on spies, won a shelf of service medals, then toured the country giving speeches.' Stunned, the guy asks the owner, 'Why on earth are you selling him for ten bucks?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.' NEW!
- Three castaways find a magic lamp on a desert island. The genie grants one wish each. The first says, 'I wish I were home!' — poof, gone. The second says, 'Me too!' — poof, gone. The third looks around and says, 'Gee, it's lonely here now. I wish my friends were back.' NEW!
- A piece of string walks into a bar. 'Get out,' says the bartender, 'we don't serve strings.' The string goes outside, twists himself up, and frizzes out his ends. He walks back in. The bartender squints: 'Hey, aren't you that string?' 'No, I'm a frayed knot.'
- A magician worked on a cruise ship with a parrot who ruined every trick: 'It's up his sleeve! It's under the table!' One night the ship sank, and the magician and the parrot ended up on the same plank. The parrot stared at him for three days. Finally it said, 'Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?'
- A mechanic said to a heart surgeon, 'We both take out valves, grind them, and put in new parts. Why do you earn ten times what I do?' The surgeon leaned in and said, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
- Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping. At 2 a.m., Holmes nudged Watson: 'Look up. What do you deduce?' Watson said, 'Millions of stars. And if even a few have planets, some likely hold life.' Holmes sighed. 'Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent.'
- A traveler sees a farmer with a pig that has a wooden leg and asks about it. 'That pig,' says the farmer, 'is a genius. He dialed 911 when the barn caught fire. He pulled my boy from the pond. Saved this whole family more than once.' 'Amazing! But what about the wooden leg?' 'Son, a pig that special, you don't eat all at once.'
- Every week, a man prayed: 'Please, just let me win the lottery.' Weeks went by. Months. Years. Finally the clouds parted and a weary voice boomed: 'Meet me halfway. Buy a ticket.'
- A snail buys a fancy sports car and asks the dealer to paint a big letter S on each side. 'Why?' asks the dealer. 'Because when I fly past,' says the snail, 'I want everyone to yell: LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!'
- The doctor said, 'I have good news and bad news.' 'Give me the good news first.' 'You have 24 hours to live.' 'THAT'S the good news?! What's the bad news?' 'I forgot to call you yesterday.'
- A lady told Churchill, 'If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee.' Churchill replied, 'Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.'
- A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look and says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'