🥁 One-Liners & Zingers
Rapid-fire classics in the grand tradition of the Borscht Belt. Take my jokes... please!
- Take my wife... please! NEW!
- I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. NEW!
- I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- I get no respect. When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot — but I always found them.
- I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'
- I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
- When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
- I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
- Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind every unsuccessful man are two.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
- Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
- My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- I always wanted to be somebody. I should have been more specific.
- Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I have enough money to last me the rest of my life — provided I die by Thursday.
- My doctor gave me six months to live. When I said I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six more.
- I'm so unlucky, I once got a paper cut from a get-well card.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Where there's a will, there's a relative.
- The shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
- Always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours.
- A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps writing in her diary.
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.